Experiment aborted prematurely

So, due to a lack of commitment, which I'm sure is easily discerned from reading the blog, this experiment is on hiatus for an unspecified duration.

Experience-"Wire in the Blood"

http://patricksexpandingexperiences.blogspot.com/2011/02/assignment-gluttony-week-6-virtual.html

I didn't get to this one.  Logged on to a Narcotics Anon. chat, but not much was going on.  I may give it another go tomorrow evening, however.

Experience-"And eat, and eat, and eat, and eat, and eat until I die!"

            It’s no secret to anyone who knows me (or has seen me) that I’ve struggled with obesity myself, and to a 130 pound-lesser degree still do.  The bridge between ones personal relationship with obesity and the medical field’s professional objectivity (some might say ‘distance’) can be a vast one, depending on the stage of acknowledgement.  Obesity—like its sister disorders anorexia and bulimia—is just as much a mental disease as it is a physical ailment.  Unlike Anorexia/Bulimia*, where many people feel sorry for the individual, feel they are a victim of societal pressures, those suffering from obesity are usually seen as bringing these issues upon themselves, sinners (specifically, Gluttons), or deserving of their disorder.  After all, the problem is a simple fix, right?  Just put the burger down, and get up off your ass!

            When discussing obesity with obese individuals one gets a wide array of feelings.  Some don’t seem themselves as obese, they’re just ‘a little pudgy,’ ‘big boned,’ or ‘have a glandular problem.  A sort of denial.  The morbidly obese, however, generally can’t escape the issue, but still choose not to address it, which makes it hard to actually address the issue of being overweight with those who are overweight.  An issue the medical field of psychology addresses.

            Psychology tells us that people are most often obese due to an issue of avoidance.  Some emotional trauma they either don’t want to deal with, or feel food is the only way to deal with it.  They will either use food to make themselves feel full, pushing away all other feelings (especially emotional emptiness) and people, creating a literally thicker physical armor, or abuse food because they feel it’s the only thing they can actually control in their life (similar to cutters, who take charge and control of the pain letting it out on THEIR terms).

            Still others focus predominantly on the physical nature of the condition, such as dietitians, physical therapists, and the vast majority of physicians.  To them, the condition is physical, and if you get the physical condition in line the mental will follow—something I personally feel is ass-fucking-backwards.  More and more are beginning to realize this doesn’t work, and people tend to just backslide if the underlying emotional issues aren’t met.  Sadly, the obese play into this themselves.

            Many obese people—if they choose to take any action—go to the gym, but not the psychiatrist or psychologist.  They choose to focus on the physical nature of their condition, avoiding the emotional element.  Avoiding in a new way, perhaps a physically healthier way, but still avoiding.

*To be clear, I am well aware of the stigma placed on Anorexics and Bulimics (“Just eat a damn cheeseburger!”), and don’t mean to undercut that very serious issue in any way.  However, this post isn’t about that, and as a generalization I find my observations to hold fairly true even if only in the broadest sense.

Experience-"'Yertle the Turtle,' No Longer the Authority on Turtle Stacking"

http://patricksexpandingexperiences.blogspot.com/2011/02/assignment-gluttony-week-6-mental.html

Experince experienced, will be posted tomorrow evening.

Experience-"Glutton for Punishment"

            Catholic Mass.  What can I say about Catholic Mass?  Well, it’s pretty overindulgent all on its own, for starters.  I’ve experienced a number of religious ceremonies (Southern Baptist, Wiccan, Jewish, Episcopalian, and a few others), none of them are quite as rigid and overly indulgent (again, in my opinion) as the Catholic tradition.  It honestly wouldn’t have bothered me half as much if the congregation seemed to at all be involved, or passionate about the spectacle.  Instead they simply mouthed along, saying the right words at the right time without any feeling, just waiting to get through it, to take communion, and then get the fuck out.  At least the Priest seemed legitimately to feel the spirit of his sermon.  It also seemed to borrow heavily from other religions.

            There’s the most obvious, which is the Jewish tradition (of which I’m pretty familiar) in which there are many sacred items presented in a very similar way as the catholic tradition, right down to the presentation of the Torah (or Bible, in the case of the Catholic Church) to the congregation, paraded about and treated as though its physical embodiment is itself holy.  This is pretty common amongst most religious ceremonies, sacred texts.  But the way in which it was presented struck me as startlingly similar.  Then there were all the pagan rites, which was probably the most interesting aspect for me.  Watching a bunch of people practice magic without (for the most part) even fully realizing what’s what they’re doing.  I’m going off a bit on a tangent here, and a slightly incoherent one at that, so I’ll wrap this bit up.

            One of the things I loved the most about most religious services was the community, the way the congregation gathered together in support of one another (even if it was just to support one another in continuing to be closed minded bigots).  The Catholic service, or perhaps just THIS Catholic service, however did not encourage that.  There was a single moment in the sermon in which we were supposed to turn and greet the people next to us, but it wasn’t from the heart.  We were given a script, “Peace be with you.”  We weren’t even forced to try and fake something of our own creation.

            At the very least, the actual sermon was beautiful, as was the setting.  It will never be a religion I understand, or consider myself part of, but I did appreciate the experience.

Experience-"Something clever about Butterflies"

            Spending two hours, on two different days, in five separate locations each day where there will be about fifty-plus people isn’t as easy as it sounds.  Or at least not for me.  For starters, I tend to avoid crowds.  They make me feel claustrophobic and panic-attack-y, so I had to put in a bit of extra effort to think about where I should even go to fulfill this one.  Some places were easy, like the Grocery store or Work, places I pretty much have to go anyway, other places were required in separate assignments (Church, for instance), and others didn’t pan out the way I thought (like the oyster experience, maybe five people in the whole establishment).

            One of the more productive outings actually didn’t even happen in a space with fifty or more people, but just on a regular run down to the small grocery shop down the road.  I got to talking with the cashier girl, Hailey, and we hit it off, more than the polite conversations I’ve had with her (and her boyfriend) in the past.  We exchanged information (facebook, specifically, and I know how much Brad LOVES facebook), and made tentative plans to hang out at Trivia night at one of the local bars.  She didn’t show, possibly because she forgot, personal reasons, or something, or possibly because I didn’t know going in that the bar was a ‘members’ bar only, and she literally COULDN’T get in.  Either way, it was nice to talk to a somewhat new person, and make plans.

            Going to Church didn’t work out as well as I’d thought it would, sadly.  At least not for this assignment.  There were plenty of people, but Catholic church isn’t really like the church I’ve been to in the past.  It’s much more regimented, and far less social.  People seemed to be there to get in, get their penance, and get the hell out.  Not exactly conducive to chatting.  But oh well.

            Mostly this one just lead to me being more comfortable talking and socializing with strangers in other settings, like today in my new class, I actually talked with the girl next to me quite a bit, and we even hit the lunch room together.  A relationship I might actually pursue, at the very least for the duration of the class.  It feels good to be able to converse with total strangers again.  I haven’t’ felt this free to just talk with people since I was very, very young.  I really hope it’s a sign of things to come, and I’m going to do my damndest to ensure that it is.

Experience-"Cause in a musical, nothing dreadful ever happens."

            I’ll be honest.  I didn’t get through these in one sitting.  I managed to make it through ‘Dancer in the Dark’ and ‘Requiem for a Dream’ with only a 20-30 minute break between, but I was NOT able to watch the next one until a couple days later.  Partly because we had company come over, and were busy entertaining (or at least trying to entertain), but mostly because ‘Requiem’ was so upsetting I was too emotionally shaken up to continue on.  I’d never heard of ‘Gods and Monsters’ before, had no idea what it was about, and didn’t trust Brad at this point enough not to have picked something even more terrible (though beautiful and brilliant) than ‘Requiem.’  After talking with Brad, however, I was able to sit down and give ‘Gods’ a go.

            ‘Dancer’ is probably most upsetting less for its story (though it is a genuinely tragic tale) than for the disjointed, discordance produced by the film’s juxtaposition of a deeply emotional indie-tragedy, and the lighthearted buoyancy of bubbly Bjork-pop musical numbers. I cried considerably during the musical number after the film’s first death, as the main character tries to deal with what’s going on, and then even more during the incarceration, where music and rhythm are completely absent, leaving the protagonist without any coping mechanism, and the audience without any escape from the bleak reality of her situation.  By the films closing number, literally a counting of steps to the gallows I was mostly numb, though trembling slightly with anxiety for the scene to come.  And finally, weeping openly once more at the last song—a purely vocal performance, without any of the elaborate musical number trappings.

            ‘Requiem’ was a film I’d only heard of in passing, and never in great detail.  Mostly what I’d heard was that it was difficult to follow, and severely difficult to digest.  I found both to be untrue; it was a very straight forward film quite easy to follow.  The only indigestion it gave was from the unflinching reality of drug addiction, celebrity worship, and stigmatism of psychosis so omnipresent in our post-modern culture.  I don’t remember crying at this one, but it did leave me feeling empty, hollow in a most upsetting way.

            Oddly enough, of all the films—each of which I felt with some personal attachment—‘Gods’ was the one that affected me the most.  I just wept through the last 5-10 minutes of the film uncontrollably.  I don’t know if it’s the subject (an aging gay man, hoping for one last shadow of love and affection), the fact the protagonist also happens to be a director (a profession I’m keenly interested in persuing), or just the riveting performance.  For whatever reason, this film left the deepest impact.  Yet unlike the other two films, ‘Gods’ left me feeling optimistic rather than hollow and alone.