Experience-Emotional Lust

Brad told me yesterday that he wouldn't be continuing on with this project if I didn't complete all my writings by Midnight, Saturday, January 30, 2011, as proof of my commitment to this project myself.  I didn't, but I went over just barely.  It remains to be seen whether he'll accept this or not.  This is the last post I have yet to do...

However, I'm not going to do it just yet.  Not because I don't want to continue on with this, but because this one is too important.  It through me because I thought I'd said all there was to say on this subject, I thought it was hashed out.  Apparently Brad feels differently, and I need to know why.  I'll do the assignment, and I'll write about it, but only in that order.

Experience-Mental Lust...SEXY BRAINS! (yeah, I'm tired...)

            I actually still fully intend to write this erotic short story.  The reason I did not was due partly to exhaustion, partly to the fact it is a huge undertaking, and I was already hella behind on my experiences (and still trying to catch up by actually DOING them at this point), and also partly to the fact my laptop power adapter decided to die.  It sucks, but there you have it.  I will not be giving away any plot points, or general overview of this one, because I do not know when I will finally have it ready, and I do not want to whet your appetites just yet.  I will tell you that it is based on mythology (a Greek inspired mythology of my own concoction, actually), and does not actually involve much fetish of my own interest.  The concept, however, was too enticing to pass up once the idea popped into my head.  And hey, the parameters merely stated erotic short story, not erotic short story you personally find arousing and titillating.

            I think Brad’s point with this one was to get me writing creatively again.  I know he wants me to get back in the habit of writing pretty much daily with these little blog posts, but this specific task required creativity, a work of imaginative fiction rather than an analytical dissection of real-life events.  What he may not realize is I actually kind of do this already.  Not on this level, and not like I should, but I do semi-regularly contribute to a few (much fewer now than once upon a time) online RPGs (not MMOs, mind you).  Text based games that are really more co-authored fan-fic than one typically thinks of classifying RPG.  I enjoy them greatly, and even occasionally create O.C.s (Original Characters), but it is not quite the same.

            The creative process in these games is collaborative, dealing with a shared play-space, and often times based in a ‘universe’ actually owned by some major company (not going to lie, kind of a total geek here) or at least established professional author.  It can be terrifying creating in this kind of space, because you have a standard to live up to.  However, you also have a crutch, an already established cannon that you know works (to one degree or another) because enough people enjoyed it to buy into it (movie tickets, book sales, etc), and now create games based on it.  When creating your own world?  It’s just you.  Your failures as well as successes are all on you, and that can be a terrifying though.

Experience-"Private Eyes Aren't Watching You!"

            This was another one I failed to complete even outside the allotted time frame.  Though not for lack of trying!  I added the fantasy of voyeurism to my profile on several sites, as well as posting brand new listings to places like craigslist, and actively pursuing a couple “we’re a couple” profiles on the sites I frequent.  None of the e-mails I sent out saying “Hey, would you be interested…” returned anything, favorable or not.  And nobody contacted me of their own volition after seeing my profile, either.  However, my Craigslist ad did yield some fruit.  I got about 4 hits, one bogus spam, one not looking for quite what I was, and two potentials.  Unfortunately, one fizzled out, and the other was waiting on his Girlfriend to return in a few weeks from some work conference (may still indulge in that one, they seemed like a fun couple!).  It really did not help that, for whatever reason, my Craigslist posting was flagged and removed after about 12 hours.

            I guess I could have gone and peered in some neighbor’s window or some such, but that is kind of sketch, and not really something up for doing.  Initially I think the problem was I mentioned I was doing this or a blog specifically, and even anonymously people get a bit antsy about such things.  It did not take long for me to realize it was kind of silly for me to divulge every single reason to complete strangers.  Especially since we take these risks through daily human interactions.  We do not own a patent or copyright on our interactions with others.  We do not get to dictate whether they later discuss these things as fact, or even use them to embellish fictional tales, especially when our identities are protected.  Some people would say it is wrong, and if I plan to write about my experiences I should tell people up front.  To them I say, bollocks.

            Again, I am not really sure what this one was SUPPOSED to teach me, maybe Brad just thought it would be funny.  Maybe I was supposed to learn that denying myself was something I should not do, and I should build confidence and actually go after what I want, rather than just sit there and watch it fuck someone else.  Not really sure.  Whatever the lesson, it sadly was not learned.  Perhaps another time.

Experience-" יֵצֶר לֵב הָאָדָם רַע "

            For those unfamiliar, the concept of Yetzer Hara is as follows:  “refers to the inclination to do evil, by violating the will of God. The Yetzer Hara is not a demonic force, but rather man's misuse of things the physical body needs to survive.”*  I.e. the human need to eat being taken to the extreme of gluttony, when one no longer NEEDS to eat, but simply does it for its own sake.

            I was actually really looking forward to this one.  Not because I am a religious individual, because I am not.  But I enjoy my Hebrew heritage, and actually have a desire to get back more in touch with it.  I even went through the oh-so-tiring burden of searching GOOGLE for a decent Temple near here, and found a really cool Reform Judaism (i.e. liberalist of liberal) Synagogue in town, with a FEMALE RABBI!  I still plan on attending High Hollies at some point there, and maybe even the occasional Friday Night service when I am in the mood.  For me it is far less about some archaic dogma than it is about a sense of community and shared history.  Plus, who knows?  Maybe I’ll find a nice Jewish Doctor to bring home to Mom and Dad, heh!

            The week I was supposed to be doing this the Rabbi was out on vacation, and then things got a … busy.  And I admit, I got a little lazy when I had free time.  Anyway, here is as good a place as a Rabbi’s office to discuss how Yetzer Hara affects my life.

            Well, for starters I can boredom eat.  I am better about it now, but it can still be something of a habit.  I can also turn the need to feel safe and protected into being callous, cold, and distant.  I am much better about this one too, but it can still be a damaging habit, and I have yet to truly break myself of it.

            I guess ultimately the goal of acknowledging Yetzer Hara boils down to the old adage “Everything in moderation.”  Sex, food, protection, they are all required to sustain life—one of the most holy tenants, btw—however, they can all become dangerous and detrimental if overindulged.  It’s all pretty much common sense, but it’d be interesting to sit down and discuss in a theological context.  Maybe I will eventually, we’ll see.

Experience-"No, I don't want no scrub!"

            This one went a bit better than the oral sex in a public place … well, depending on how you look at it.  Again, thanks to the internet (don’t you just love that thing?  I mean, seriously!) it was not too hard to find someone to help fulfill this request.  Oddly, it happened when I was not even really looking to fulfill it.  I just happened to be logged into one of my ‘hook-up’ sites, and this random guy messages me.  We get to talking, and he is apparently a ‘dom top’ or whatever from England.  It is all going swell until he mentions taking control of every aspect of my life, more specifically, the fiscal aspects of my life.  Like, seriously.  He specifically mentioned fiscal!  What the fuck?  I basically told him he could go fuck himself, I was not about to pay him money, and he changed his tune pretty quick.  Supposedly all he wanted was some kind of proof of what I was willing to put in the effort and submit.  I figure he is probably full of shit (especially considering he’s talking about making me the head of his stable, and we’d literally JUST met, and met online at that!), but whatever.  I can use him to at least accomplish my own goals.

            So I agree to webcam for him, to prove my devotion.  He has me get salt, a shoelace, a lighter and a candle.  I will not go into all the details (some of which were marginally better than I expected), but I will divulge my favorite part.  The last thing he demands of me to do is to run outside and chase a down a neighborhood cat like I was a dog.  I agree, and go off screen.  So I go off screen, pet the cats, make a peanut butter and jelly, sit on the couch for a few minutes and enjoy my food, then head back into the room.  Lying, he seems satisfied that I am devoted enough to follow such a humiliating command, and resigns me from service for the evening.  I play my part, and haven’t spoken to him since.

            I’m not really sure what this specific experience was supposed to teach me.  Maybe that it’s okay to let my freak flag fly (which I already knew), or maybe to just get me out of my box a little, I’m not really certain.  All I know is it simply illustrated the fact I can be kind of a selfish, manipulative bitch, especially when you try and play me.  Normally, I care enough about other people not to just straight up use them.  But honey, you gonna try and use me first, and disrespect my intellect as to assume I wouldn’t notice, or worse assume I’m so sad I’d actually PAY you?  Aw, hell no.  Thanks for helping me fulfill MY needs, and enjoy those vacations to exotic locations paid for by men who aren’t me.

Experience-"Me Love You Short Time"

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Experience-Even Jesus only had 12!

            Yeah, that didn’t happen.  I will admit to failing greatly on this one, mostly because I did not push it hard enough.  I probably could have got 25 followers easy if I had posted my link to facebook, but that would have seriously cramped the ‘anonymous’ thing.  Then again, I know all of my current followers, but still.  I have a lot of family members on my facebook, and not all of them (most of them, really) would approve of this particular ‘experiment.’

            It also does not help that I am a pretty passive internet presence.  I do not actively participate in a ton of blogs and/or forums anymore.  There was a time I did, however, and it would have been simple to just throw the link in my ‘signature’ with a note saying ‘follow me’ and get at least a few curious stray clicks.  I do not really do that any more though.  Partly because I do not want to spend my time sitting around chatting with people online who I mostly do not know, and mostly do not give a crap about, but also because internet discourse is fairly bland, and flat.  As I mentioned in a previous post, people are also callous and cruel online, for no greater reason than they can be.  This is not to say I become emotionally distraught when someone online is nasty, I really could not care less most of the time.  However, it is a nuisance, and one I have grown sick of dealing with (i.e. trolls, flamers, /b/tards [even just their name is itself offensive], etc).  Honestly, they only reason I am even bothering with my own bog is because it was a condition of the experiment in which I had genuine interest.

            All that b.s. aside, I could have made more of an effort.  Google searched for similar things, especially on “Blogspot” and posted comments “Ooh, I like your blog, you should check mine out!”  It is disingenuous crap, but it would get the job done (to some degree).  Would I like to have 25 followers?  Sure, but if we’re being honest, I don’t think my blog is quite ready for that much of a following.  I haven’t got into the rhythm just yet, and I’m (clearly) failing to complete all objectives.  Maybe in a month or two I’ll be interesting enough to warrant it, but right now … I’m happy with the ones I’ve got.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Physical

Objective - New sexual experience
Duration - As long as it takes (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Perform anonymous oral sex in a public place (bathroom, rest area, etc...)

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Vicarious

Objective - Craving for carnal pleasure
Duration - 2 hours (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Watch someone having sex (with another person, in real life) but *DO NOT* participate.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Virtual

Objective - Assume a self-indulgent character
Duration - 2 hours (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Find someone to order you to perform sexual acts upon yourself on webcam. Do anything and everything they tell you.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Social

Objective - Accumulation of false affection
Duration - 7 days (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Get at least 25 people to follow this blog.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Spiritual

Objective - Yetzer Hara
Duration - 1 hour (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Discuss the concept of Yetzer Hara with a rabbi and how it applies to your life.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Mental

Objective - Embrace sexual thoughts
Duration - 4 hours (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Write a pornographic short story.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Emotional

Objective - Excessive love of others
Duration - 1 hour (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Admit to someone that you have had an unrequited crush upon them (which negatively impacted your life in some manner) and discuss the resulting experience.