Experience-"Everyone Says, 'I Loathe You!'"

            So as it turns out, I don’t actually know many couples in a committed relationship.  Or couples in general.  Like, next to none, honestly.  I honestly don’t know that many PEOPLE in general, really.  But whatever, we make do with what we’ve got, don’t we?

            This probably explains my general outlook on relationships.  I don’t date.  I’ve never ‘dated,’ or been in a romantic relationship with anyone.  I’ve been on exactly one date in my life, and it was … a little awkward, but mostly painless.  However, it was also rather underwhelming—and I don’t fault the other party in this, we just weren’t clicking.  The point being, I’ve not really had much experience with happy, healthy relationships.  Most of the couples in my life have either split dramatically, or continued on unhealthily, and quite often co-dependently.  My best friend just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship he—at the time—thought might be one to stand the test of time, and other Hallmark sentiments; friends from high school who married young have fought, threatened divorce, but ultimately decided to stay together for whatever reason; elder family members (aunts, uncles, etc.) have either gotten divorced to remarry someone basically the same (but better at concealing their activities) as the manipulative people they were originally married to, or stayed in a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive marriage for no greater reason than ‘god doesn’t believe in divorce;’ There’s really one marriage of people I’m somewhat close to (though not geographically) which seems to be working, and even that had a really ugly phase.  I’m not saying I don’t believe in love, or that I think it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship, or even marriage.  I just don’t think most people are actually capable of it—and I definitely include myself amongst that number.  Especially when they go out looking for it.

            If by some unholy chance I happen to fall in love, and the person actually loves me back, I’ll let it happen (or at least try to).  I just don’t want to go chasing it.  I don’t want to be one of those people who thinks they HAVE to have someone in order to be complete.  ‘Cause if you aren’t a complete person, from what I’ve witnessed?  There’s no chance of you having a healthy, successful relationship (see:  co-dependant). I’m not running away from the possibility, but I don’t think I’m there yet either.

Experience-Virtual Chastity

                This … this one was a bit hard to wrap my head around.  Even after brad explained the general concept to me, it was still a bit tricky.  Basically, the idea was to observe someone who isn’t quite themselves online, i.e. virtual reality, or at least not the self they claim to be (or more accurately, we experience them as) in day-to-day ‘actual’ reality.  Now, numerous studies have been done on the subject, and revealed a startling trend.  Most people online will actually say and do things they would never be caught doing in actual reality.  The rules of morality are somehow more flexible online.  Due to anonymity (or as I like to think of it, The Invisible Man Effect), people don’t feel as strictly bound by a generally agreed upon code of conduct (i.e. common courtesy).  They also don’t feel as empathetic towards others due to the dehumanizing nature of the internet.  We have no face, no vocal inflection, no pheromones to communicate with.  Only pure thought, in two-dimensional words.

                Take Brad, for instance.  Brad and I actually met online, and we have since become good friends.  Brad, however, is a dick online (and to varying degrees in real life, but I digress), to the point I almost didn’t actually go to hang out with him that first night we were chatting.  I did, and wound up really enjoying our interactions, and saw other sides to him.  His online persona is a mere fraction of his real-life one, and one he rarely comes close to emulating during face-to-face interactions.  Where he would tell someone online to fuck off, he would perhaps try and make peace or come to some understanding face to face.  And to varying degrees, this is something we all do.

                I find I can be more assertive and domineering online, whereas away from the computer I generally give way or make more generous concessions.  On sites (forums and such) where one uses an avatar as their “face,” it’s like wearing a mask.  Even on social media such as facebook, MySpace, etc. where (presumably) one uses their own images as identifiers, there’s less pressure of “is this person gonna like me,”  “Will they think that comment was funny,” “Did I remember to brush my teeth?”  Because even if they don’t, or you weren’t, or you didn’t, it’s not ‘real,’ so it ultimately doesn’t matter.

                Unfortunately, it is real, and it does matter.  Words, even online words, can hurt deeply, and result in some very serious ‘real life’ consequences.

Experience - "As your body grows bigger, your mind grows flowered..."

            Amidst the whir of industrial dryers, an urban symphony in the background, I sat down at the local Laundr-O-Mat/Gas-N-Go—across the street from the local bakery which supplies semi-free wifi—and began to fiddle around.  No stranger to the blogosphere (MySpace, Livejournal, InsaneJournal, etc), confidence levels ran high going in to this particular project.  Blog layouts vary minimally from host site to host site, with levels of professionalism and customizability (it’s a word…maybe) the only somewhat-large difference.  And how did Blogspot compare?  Favorably.

            The user-interface is incredibly simple.  There isn’t even a need for basic HTML skills (which I do posses).  The entire system is designed to be visually manipulated.  Prospective changes are seen instantaneously, and any would-be confusion can quickly be cleared up with a brief trip to your local FAQ.  So I continued to fiddle about, HTML or not, first choosing an appropriate, attractive layout, then adding gadgets, moving gadgets, considering adding a revenue stream (google ads), changing fonts, colors and size of headers, body text, titles, and time stamps, deciding against adding a revenue stream, background colors, images, and so forth.  Finally, it was all coming together.  It was basic.  Pretty, but basic.  Dragging the cursor over to “Apply to Blog” I clicked down.  Again.  A double click.  Triple click.  And finally, defeat.  Sadly, the local bakery across the street sets a 20 minute limit on free internet access per day.  I had timed out.

            Still, the point of the exercise was accomplished.  I learned how to edit the layout and design template of the blog.  I had educated myself!  Emboldened by this new knowledge, empowered by my humble-yet-growing band of ‘followers,’ and invigorated by my nigh godlike control over my own blog, and thus their own experience of it I vowed to continue these modifications.

            Though Blogspot doesn’t require an understanding of HTML, it does allow for HTML modifications.  I look forward to altering and modifying the layouts I have with perhaps my own background images, custom polls, video and who knows what else.  This exercise has made me fairly confident this blog will be an ever growing, expanding, shifting creation.  Not only in the addition of new weekly assignments and writings, but in the layout and style.  It will evolve with me, not force me to conform to its rigid or limited forms of expression.  I hope you all reading this look forward to seeing what may come as much as I.

Experience - Spiritual Chastity - Week 1

Lies are a part of our daily life. We tell them without thinking about it, without remorse or guilt. And for those of you who think you aren’t liars, “When asked the question ‘are you a liar?’ nearly 97% of people answer ‘no’. When the remaining 3% (self-confessed liars) are subjected to questions calibrating their real, rather than perceived honesty, they turn out to be, on average, 28 times more honest than the people who claimed they never lied.”* The only way to be truly honest is to admit you’re a liar. Now, it’s not a bad thing, per se. It’s just a fact of life. We lie. We bold face lie, little white lie, lie of omission, and a myriad of other definitions for the same basic concept of un-truth. We lie to each other, our families, friends, employers and total strangers, and to ourselves—which is perhaps the most dangerous of all. Because we lie to ourselves, it can be difficult to gauge whether we’re actually telling the truth. Which is why going into this I just want to state, I truthfully can’t say whether or not I was honest. I can’t say with 100% certainty I fulfilled this assignment. All I can say is, I tried to the very best of my ability not to intentionally lie, mislead, or otherwise be dishonest or untruthful.

I regard myself as a very honest person. Which isn’t to say I’m a ‘bad liar,’ I lie with great ease and subtlety, but I’m generally pretty open and honest about it. I also do, honestly try not to lie for the soul purpose of hurting another individual, and recognize I am a terrible hypocrite for despising when others (try to) lie to me. One of my most common lies is the simple “You’re fine.” I say it as reflex, without even considering for a moment the full meaning of my words. “Oh, you’re fine. I didn’t mind coming in to work when you didn’t really need me while I was very, very ill,” “oh, you’re fine. I didn’t actually need to set down this heavy tray. Please, go ahead and take all the time you need to jump in front of me with your one salad bowl and tongs,” or “oh, you’re fine. I didn’t mind waiting out in the cold for an extra half hour while you were picking up other customers, even though I booked this cab for a specific time.” What I’m really saying when I lie “You’re fine,” is “I’m worth less.” “I’m worth less than you,” “I deserve to be ignored and treated poorly,” “I don’t deserve to actually take up space.” This is a learned response, a lie I tell myself and the world, and one I very desperately need to break.

I’ll have to stop here, or risk running over my word limit. I could honestly write pages on the subject. Just know, I have learned from this reflection, and hope to grow in response.

*Taken from Answers.com (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_some_statistics_on_lying)

Experience - Emotional Chastity - Week 1

            I didn’t actually do this one.  I started to, I tried to, but I couldn’t.  And ultimately I’ve just decided I’m not going to.  I won’t go into the reasons why here, beyond the fact that I’m not willing to post stuff about my family.  Yes, this is ‘anonymous,’ but in the information age NOTHING is genuinely anonymous.  Not really.  I agreed to this experiment, myself.  Not them.  I will, however, describe what exactly DID happen when I initially attempted this task.

            This first week I was sicker than I can ever remember being, or at least for the longest duration of time I can ever remember it taking for me to get better.  I was literally in bed from 4pm Tuesday evening until about 10-11 am Thursday morning, and then fluctuated between feeling like I was getting better, and feeling like I was getting worse until I went to see the doctor around the start of this (the second) week.  I finally got some antibiotics to take care of the sinusitis aspect, a condition left over from the Flu he felt I had initially been suffering.  I didn’t start I genuinely feel truly better until the around Tuesday of the second week.

            Of course, about this time is when one of our cats (my roommate and I have a pair of cats, Buff and Blacky), Buff decided he needed to develop crystals in his urethra.  But that’s neither here, nor there, just another stressor thrown at me so far in this New Year.  Side note:  He seems to be doing fine now, yay!

            Anyway, before I went in to the doctor I actually called my father.  I had every intention of at least attempting this assignment, but when he got on the phone we just started talking about how I was sick.  He was concerned by the fact I was STILL sick, and we proceeded to have a fairly long conversation about my condition.  It was refreshing, and I didn’t want to ruin it by hashing things out right then and there.  I felt it would be tacky and inappropriate at the time.  So I chose to just let the conversation be what it was, rather than try and force it into something I thought it should be.  A decision I don’t regret.

            I realized pretty immediately afterwards that making this part of my project, dragging my family in to this without their consent or knowledge wasn’t something I was comfortable with.  And even if…when I do eventually have that conversation, it will be on my terms, and not open for public consumption.

Experience - Social Chastity - Week 1

This has been by far, the single most difficult of all the challenges. Well, perhaps difficult is not the right word, considering I actually managed to adhere to this one. But it IS the most annoying. Going into this one I was confident I would be able to stick-to-it without much adversity, just minor annoyance at the fact I was not able to warn my friends with whom I communicate exclusively online that I would no longer be on (for a week, anyway), or why. However, facebook and IM proved much stronger a pull on me than I had expected.

Even on the first night, I had to repeatedly remind myself NOT to log into facebook or Trillian. In my typical habit, I will log straight into Trillian after turning on the computer (or simply have it running all day if I’m running various other programs on the computer anyway), and then go to facebook to check for my friends’ status updates—though sidebar, I will confess not having to see constant updates about peoples podling hellspawn was a nice side-effect of this whole endeavored. I’m not saying I ‘hate’ children; I just don’t care enough about yours to be stoked every time I see they are taking a nap. I probably barely care enough about YOU to care if you are taking a nap. But I’m rambling—which is a quick, easy way I like to keep in touch with casual acquaintances, friends from high school, etc. You do not have to invest a lot of time or effort into it, but it can still be fun to drop the occasional one liner, or “hey, how’ve you been” every month or so. Not being able to IM was the worse, however.

I use Instant Message to talk with … well, pretty much everyone (including Brad). I may actually chat more than I text (which is saying something). It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s to the point, and I don’t have to have awkward phone conversations. When there’s a long silence on IM, it’s cool. Maybe they went to get a drink of water or something. You aren’t left sitting there wondering why it’s suddenly gone so quiet. Also, you can have a quick chat while doing other things (checking your bank account, looking at porn, ordering more books off amazon, etc—the second of which is SUPER awkward to try and do while actually talking with someone, fyi).

To bring this Sudafed/Dayquil induced rambling to a close, what I learned from all this is I’m an addict. I’m addicted to text based communications technology. And while that’s a nifty thing to have, it can actually break down ones ability to converse with another human being on a basic fucking level—and I freely admit, it’s a lot easier, and less intimidating to chat with someone online, than it is face-to-face.

Experience - Physical Chastity - Week 1

Next to the ‘Social’ assignment, this one was the most difficult, and I pretty well failed it fantastically. Not because I’m some raging lush or something, but because there is caffeine or alcohol in one form or another in SO many things—especially when you are sick, as I have been pretty much this entire week. Monday night alone, when I was just starting to feel ill at Brad’s house, I decided to try drinking a Dr. Enuf (hoping that would settle my stomach). Turns out? Dr. Enuf has caffeine in the ingredients. I did dump it out once I realized this, but I had already drunk most of the bottle.

Then there is the medication I have been taking. Most of it is in pill form, and all of it is over-the-counter—though I am not sure if medication alone qualifies as an intoxicant, and even if it does, fuck that. I feel like crap, and I am taking the damn pills! Anyway, pills aside, certain medicines (like night-time cough syrup) have alcohol in them. It is minimal, only about 10%, but still…rules are rules. And honestly, considering how terrible I am STILL feeling after almost a full week, I do not even know if it was worth breaking them. However, to pretend my illness was the only reason I broke the rules would be frankly, a lie.

While at Brad’s apartment Monday night, I forgot about the prohibition on alcohol for this week, and when offered—rather forcefully—some wine, I accepted. It was only a glass, and it was not exceptionally high in alcoholic content (or exceptionally good), but it was still wine. It was not until later that night I remembered, but it was too late. Beyond that one glass, however, and the cough medicine, I have done remarkably well to keep with the rules. I do not exactly start each day off with a Mimosa, but I do enjoy more than one glass of wine a week, on average, and the odd beer and hard liquor.

I guess what I have learned from all this is, even if one is not an alcoholic, or drug abuser, we are still, as a people inundated with intoxicants. Caffeine especially seems to find its way into places it has no business being, and alcohol (especially for those of legal drinking age) barely makes a blip on the radar.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Vicarious

Objective - Practice romantic friendship
Duration - 4 days (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Observe two individuals in a committed relationship.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Social

Objective - Refrain from distractions
Duration - 7 days (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Other than this blog, do not communicate with anyone, for any reason, online.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Spiritual

Objective - Embracing moral wholesomeness
Duration - 7 days (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Do not tell a lie in any form or fashion.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Physical

Objective - Cleanliness maintained by refraining from intoxicants.
Duration - 7 days (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Consume no alcohol or other substances (including illegal drugs, caffeine, nicotine, etc...)

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Mental

Objective - Purity of thought through education.
Duration - 4 hours (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Graphically redesign this blog to reflect you expectations of the upcoming year and generally familiarize yourself with all Blogspot functionality.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Emotional

Objective - Honesty with one's family.
Duration - 1 hour (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Have a meaningful and interactive conversation with your father regarding the relationship (or lack thereof) that you have with him.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Virtual

Objective - Refrain from temptation
Duration - 1 hour (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Comment upon someone you know who skirts the strictest rules of temptation (online), but only slightly.