Experience-"Patrick's Adventures Through the Looking Glass, and What He Didn't Find There"

            Viewing oneself through two artificial mediums (the reflection of a mirror, as filtered through the digital lens of a webcam) is somewhat unnerving.  Especially with eyes closed, as if sleeping and unaware.  When I look at myself in a mirror, I mostly lock eyes with my reflection, focusing on that part.  I’m not sure if I’m just vein (I’m often complimented on my eyes), or if it’s a simple part of human nature—“look me in the eye when I’m talking to you!”  We rely on eye contact to make connections, to feel as though we’re being paid proper respect and attention, even by ourselves in the mirror.  Sure, I give the rest of my features a glance, just like everyone else, checking for blemishes, a lack of symmetry from one matching feature to the next (“Is one of my nostrils larger than the other!?!?!!!?”), but it always comes back to eye contact within a few seconds, as if to reassure or chastise myself with regards to the offending or flattering features.  With eyes closed that’s much harder to do—especially if you aren’t recording it!

            With eyes closed, there isn’t another pair of eyes to lock onto.  Even in pictures, photographs of oneself or others we (or at least I) tend to first lock eyes with the photograph.  Then examine the rest of the photo for extra clues about this person, even if it’s just I.  Without the connection of the eyes, ones vision drifts more freely, picking up a more even canvas of the physical presence in question.  I did find myself drawn to the subtle indications of breathing, however, a subtle reminder of consciousness (the breathing is slower and less labored in a sleeping individual).  I noticed the play of light across my face more, shifting, filtered through atmosphere, branches, window pane and blinds, and the subtle way it altered the perception of my features.  I also noticed from day to day a shift in color, flushed, drained, etc.  Again, all very subtle, but when you don’t have the eyes to lock onto you pick up more of the whole.  But somehow, less of the person.

            I didn’t feel much of a connection with myself in these videos.  I was detached, thrice removed by webcam, mirror, and closed eyes.  Yes, I noticed more physical features, the way my body would subtly sway and shift, but it was all very distant, sterile.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and if you don’t believe it, just try observing yourself in this manner.  You might be surprised at how foreign the person in the mirror (through the webcam) seems. 

Assignment - Gluttony - Week 6 - Virtual

Objective - Explore the inability to partake in moderation
Duration - 2 hours (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Find a chat room online that is specifically for Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or a similar organization, and participate in a discussion about the inability to partake in moderation and the outcomes of such behavior.

Assignment - Temperance - Virtual - Week 5

Objective - Reflection
Duration - 15 mins daily, preferably at the same time each day (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Sit in front of a mirror, with your eyes closed. Record a video (webcam) of your reflection in the mirror while you do this. Discuss what you see, and what you don't.

For reference: Wikipedia (particularly the last paragraph)

Experience-"No, I don't want no scrub!"

            This one went a bit better than the oral sex in a public place … well, depending on how you look at it.  Again, thanks to the internet (don’t you just love that thing?  I mean, seriously!) it was not too hard to find someone to help fulfill this request.  Oddly, it happened when I was not even really looking to fulfill it.  I just happened to be logged into one of my ‘hook-up’ sites, and this random guy messages me.  We get to talking, and he is apparently a ‘dom top’ or whatever from England.  It is all going swell until he mentions taking control of every aspect of my life, more specifically, the fiscal aspects of my life.  Like, seriously.  He specifically mentioned fiscal!  What the fuck?  I basically told him he could go fuck himself, I was not about to pay him money, and he changed his tune pretty quick.  Supposedly all he wanted was some kind of proof of what I was willing to put in the effort and submit.  I figure he is probably full of shit (especially considering he’s talking about making me the head of his stable, and we’d literally JUST met, and met online at that!), but whatever.  I can use him to at least accomplish my own goals.

            So I agree to webcam for him, to prove my devotion.  He has me get salt, a shoelace, a lighter and a candle.  I will not go into all the details (some of which were marginally better than I expected), but I will divulge my favorite part.  The last thing he demands of me to do is to run outside and chase a down a neighborhood cat like I was a dog.  I agree, and go off screen.  So I go off screen, pet the cats, make a peanut butter and jelly, sit on the couch for a few minutes and enjoy my food, then head back into the room.  Lying, he seems satisfied that I am devoted enough to follow such a humiliating command, and resigns me from service for the evening.  I play my part, and haven’t spoken to him since.

            I’m not really sure what this specific experience was supposed to teach me.  Maybe that it’s okay to let my freak flag fly (which I already knew), or maybe to just get me out of my box a little, I’m not really certain.  All I know is it simply illustrated the fact I can be kind of a selfish, manipulative bitch, especially when you try and play me.  Normally, I care enough about other people not to just straight up use them.  But honey, you gonna try and use me first, and disrespect my intellect as to assume I wouldn’t notice, or worse assume I’m so sad I’d actually PAY you?  Aw, hell no.  Thanks for helping me fulfill MY needs, and enjoy those vacations to exotic locations paid for by men who aren’t me.

Experience-Virtual Chastity

                This … this one was a bit hard to wrap my head around.  Even after brad explained the general concept to me, it was still a bit tricky.  Basically, the idea was to observe someone who isn’t quite themselves online, i.e. virtual reality, or at least not the self they claim to be (or more accurately, we experience them as) in day-to-day ‘actual’ reality.  Now, numerous studies have been done on the subject, and revealed a startling trend.  Most people online will actually say and do things they would never be caught doing in actual reality.  The rules of morality are somehow more flexible online.  Due to anonymity (or as I like to think of it, The Invisible Man Effect), people don’t feel as strictly bound by a generally agreed upon code of conduct (i.e. common courtesy).  They also don’t feel as empathetic towards others due to the dehumanizing nature of the internet.  We have no face, no vocal inflection, no pheromones to communicate with.  Only pure thought, in two-dimensional words.

                Take Brad, for instance.  Brad and I actually met online, and we have since become good friends.  Brad, however, is a dick online (and to varying degrees in real life, but I digress), to the point I almost didn’t actually go to hang out with him that first night we were chatting.  I did, and wound up really enjoying our interactions, and saw other sides to him.  His online persona is a mere fraction of his real-life one, and one he rarely comes close to emulating during face-to-face interactions.  Where he would tell someone online to fuck off, he would perhaps try and make peace or come to some understanding face to face.  And to varying degrees, this is something we all do.

                I find I can be more assertive and domineering online, whereas away from the computer I generally give way or make more generous concessions.  On sites (forums and such) where one uses an avatar as their “face,” it’s like wearing a mask.  Even on social media such as facebook, MySpace, etc. where (presumably) one uses their own images as identifiers, there’s less pressure of “is this person gonna like me,”  “Will they think that comment was funny,” “Did I remember to brush my teeth?”  Because even if they don’t, or you weren’t, or you didn’t, it’s not ‘real,’ so it ultimately doesn’t matter.

                Unfortunately, it is real, and it does matter.  Words, even online words, can hurt deeply, and result in some very serious ‘real life’ consequences.

Assignment - Lust - Week 2 - Virtual

Objective - Assume a self-indulgent character
Duration - 2 hours (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Find someone to order you to perform sexual acts upon yourself on webcam. Do anything and everything they tell you.

Assignment - Chastity - Week 1 - Virtual

Objective - Refrain from temptation
Duration - 1 hour (7 days to complete)
Assignment - Comment upon someone you know who skirts the strictest rules of temptation (online), but only slightly.